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Title: A Parody on Princess Ida

Author: D. Dalziel

Release date: February 12, 2015 [eBook #48246]
Most recently updated: October 24, 2024

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/48246

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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA ***

# A Parody
on
Princess Ida

by
D. DALZIEL.

GLORIA ALTON

KING GAMA ARRIVES.

WE ARE WARRIORS THREE.

By D. DALZIEL,

Editor of the Chicago News Letter.

Scene—Interior of King Alton Hilderbrandt’s Palace in the City of Chicago, U. S. America. Courtiers, Officials of the Service, Soldiers of the Railroad, Body Guard, Conductors and Passenger Agents, looking out on the line of the Chicago and Alton Railroad with telescopes, opera glasses, etc.

[CHORUS.]

Search throughout the Panorama
For a sign of Royal Gama,
Who by the Alton this day shall,
Accompanied by his child and pal,
Come from Adamant.
Some misfortune evidently
Has detained them—consequently
Search throughout the Panorama
For the daughter of King Gama,
Prince Hilarion’s Plant.

FLORIAN—Will Prince Hilarion’s hopes be sadly blighted?

ALL—Who can tell!

FLORIAN—Will Ida slight the man to whom she’s plighted?

ALL—Who can tell!

FLORIAN—Can she an Alton ruler thus irritate?

ALL—Who can tell!

FLORIAN—If so, she’ll pay for it at any rate.

ALL—

We’ll not despair,
For Gama would not dare
To make a deadly foe
Of Alton’s King, and so
Search throughout, etc.

(Enter King Alton Hilderbrandt.)

HILDERBRANDT—No sign of Gama yet? The regular train from Castle Adamant came in exactly on time, some fifteen minutes since. I will here in parenthesis remark, that all trains on the Alton Road invariably do come in on time. I saw it from my castle window; four sleepers, two drawing-room cars, a dining car, three reclining-chair cars and five coaches.

FLORIAN—Your liege forgets that you placed a “special” at his disposal, but still he should be here.

HILD.—’Tis true, but still it’s very odd. But, if Gama fails to put in an appearance at the Court before the sun sets, accompanied by his daughter, to whom our son was betrothed at the extreme age of one, then there will be war between Gama and ourselves. (Aside.) I dread this greeting. When last I saw Gama, twenty years ago, he was a fretful, twisted monster, with a tongue as bitter as the agents of our rival lines.

FLORIAN—(Who has been looking attentively down the track with his glasses.) But stay! I see the smoke of an approaching train. I even hear the music of its wheels, as they fly like magic o’er the glittering rails. Already it is at the station. From a private car I see somebody; guards descend, and now a bent and crippled form of human shape. It must be Gama.

HILD.—And is the Princess with him?

FLORIAN—Not unless she’s six foot three, and wears suspenders.

HILD.—Who can tell! I’ve heard that she is a whimsical sort of girl. But come! Bustle up there. Let everything be prepared. The costliest of dinners, the meanest of prison fares; the richest room in the palace, the deepest dungeon, too. For as King Gama brings his daughter, or brings her not, so shall he be treated.

HILARION AND HIS FRIENDS.

THE CHICAGO & ALTON DEPOT.

HILDERBRANDT (furious): ENOUGH OF THIS, WHERE IS YOUR DAUGHTER?

(Enter Prince Hilarion, Knight of the Road, Grand Master of the United Order of Chicago and Alton Railroad Conductors, and an exquisite.)

HILARION—(Aside.) To-day I meet my baby bride, to whom I was betrothed twenty years since. I have every confidence that my own accomplishments, and the influence of the line with which I am connected, will suffice to re-unite our bonds to-day. They are above par on the market. (To Hild.) Well, father, is there any news?

HILD.—King Gama has just arrived, and is now on his way here from our dépôt; but I fear without the Princess.

HILARION—Alas! I have heard strange stories of my bride. They tell me she has foresworn men—never having had anything to do with them she probably does not know what she loses. But they say she has shut herself up in the Castle Adamant accompanied by a number of devotees. It is strange, considering that she lives so near our line that the mere proximity of our Alton men has not had its usual influence before this.

(Enter a representative of the Chicago and Alton Railroad.)

REP. OF C. & A. R. R.—My liege, I beg to announce the coming of King Gama, preceded by his three royal sons.

HILD.—Bid them enter.

(Enter Arac, Guron and Synthius, warriors bold.)

ARAC—

[SONG.]

We are warriors three,
Men of worth are we,
Just arrived by steam,
Strange as it may seem.

ALL THREE—

Yes! yes!
Strange as it may seem.

GURON—

Special train we had,
Not so very bad,
Really very fine
By the Alton Line.

ALL THREE—

Yes! yes!
By the Alton Line.

SYNTHIUS—

Dining-car so rich,
Sleeping-car like which
Nothing can compare
Running time so rare.

ALL THREE—

Yes! yes!
Nothing can compare.

ARAC—My liege, we beg to present our respects, and to thank you for our pleasant journey on your line. It is our unpleasant duty also to announce the coming of our Royal Father.

(Enter King Gama.)

GAMA—

[SONG.]

If you give me your attention I will tell you what I am,
I’m a genuine philanthropist—all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow creatures I endeavor to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people’s eyes,
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise.
I love my fellow creatures, I do all the good I can,
But everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
And I can’t think why.
For all who do me favors I’ve a withering remark,
And as for beating railroad lines, I think it quite a lark,
I wheedle out free passes, and I call the road a sham,
I sell them to the scalpers, that’s the sort of man I am.
I put rocks upon the railroad tracks, and try to wreck the train,
Get a madman hired as engineer, and swear the man is sane.
I spread all sorts of rumors, and have all the fun I can,
Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
And I can’t think why.
When I get into a sleeper I sit up half the night,
And try to make the ladies think that everything’s not right.
I cut in strips the cushions, the curtains always tear,
And pleasantly suggest aloud: “They are the worse for wear.”
I go into the smoking car, and remark I never smoke,
And when the weeds are all put out, I explain it’s all a joke,
You see, I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
And I can’t think why.
And yet, with all my little whims I really must decline
To say a single word against the fav’rite Alton Line.
To speak in praise of anything goes hard against the grain,
But I really never was upon such a perfect train.
I had dinner in a dining car, which every want could fill,
And I drank my health quite frequently, and didn’t pay my bill.
You see I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet! Everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man,
And I can’t think why.

HILARION CHECKS HIS BAGGAGE.

ON THE DINING CAR.

GAMA—So this is the royal castle of the Chicago and Alton Railroad? Dame Rumor whispered that the place was on a par with everything connected with the Alton Line. Superb! Royal! Grand!

HILD.—(Gratified.) Oh! Sire.

GAMA.—But she’s a liar. And this is your son! Dame Rumor also said he was the leader of fashions among the Alton employes, but he’s changed. He used to be a singularly handsome child.

HILD.—(Furious.) Enough of this. Where is your daughter, whom on your plighted word should be here to-day?

GAMA—She would not be tempted. She hates railroad travelling. I don’t blame her. I tried to explain that a journey on the Alton was a delicious reverie set to music on wheels, but she was obdurate. She’s in Castle Adamant foresworn to all men, surrounded by a hundred maidens fair, who think as she does.

HILD.—Surely we can win her over?

GAMA—Not you! She and her companions will have nothing to do with anything masculine. One young lady brought a mail phaeton with her to the castle and she was expelled. When the time comes for the fast mail for Kansas City over your line to pass, the young ladies shut themselves in the basement cellar. Perhaps the never failing graces of your Alton men may win her.

PRINCE HILARION—Well! I’ll try (to Cyril and Florian), and you shall accompany me. Come quick! Your satchel. We have just time to catch the fast train for Castle Adamant, and we will see whether the graces of one Alton man won’t change the tenor of these young ladies’ ideas. Quick! secure us berths. (Exit officials.)

HILD.—Yes! and you, King Gama, and your baby boys shall remain here as hostages. (Re-enter officials.) Sorry to say, sir, that every berth in the five sleepers is taken. Nothing left to swing a duster in.

HILD.—Then take our special car (exit officials to give orders), and now, King Gama, a word to you. If aught befall the flower of this road, look out for your life. Take him to a cell and give him one of our time tables to pass away the time. (Exit Gama and his three sons in chains.)

The scene changes to the dépôt of the Chicago and Alton Railroad.

With the prince and his two friends checking their baggage and then to the gardens at Castle Adamant, a charming retreat on the line of the Chicago and Alton Railroad. In the distance can be seen the steel tracks of the Chicago and Alton Railroad glittering in the noonday sun. The air is calm and balmy, disturbed only by the occasional song of some bird, or the musical hum of a distant train on the Alton Line, as it whizzes with lightning speed along the track. The lady graduates of the Princess Ida’s seminary are on the scene, seated on the lawn at the feet of Lady Psyche.

LADY P.—Attention, ladies, while I read to you the list of punishments ordered by the Princess Ida. The first is Claire. She’s expelled.

ALL—Expelled!

LADY P.—Yes, expelled! Because, although she knows that no man of any kind may scale these walls, she brought a set of chessmen here. The next is May. She is also expelled for receiving letters.

MAY—They were from my mother!

LADY P.—It matters not, they came by mail. The next is Edith. She is also expelled for being found with a Chicago and Alton folder in her possession.

EDITH—What harm is that?

LADY P.—A young lady of this seminary is not allowed to harbor things that fold-her. The next is Blanche. She is also expelled for looking out of her window when the Chicago and Alton train was passing.

BLANCHE—I was only looking out for the sleepers, they are so—

LADY P.—Enough! Looking out for sleepers is not a square game to play. Even horrid man condemns it. And now, young ladies, prepare yourselves, for your Princess Ida will be here directly to read you the lessons of the day.

PRINCESS IDA AND HER COMPANIONS.

PRINCESS IDA AND THE ALTON ANGELS.

A CHANGE OF COSTUME.

THE ALTON MEN ARE APPRECIATED.

(Enter the Princess Ida.)

IDA—Women of Adamant, gathered together for the noble purpose of shunning that vile creature known as man, listen while I a tale unfold. Our undertaking is a noble one. We, women assembled as we are in this retreat, know full well the uselessness of man. Let nothing tempt you from your path of sworn duty, and yet! methinks, the dangerous proximity of that horrid Alton road is a glittering temptation to some of your thoughtless heads. If by chance your eyes should light upon one of the creatures they call their officials, let not their gaudy tinsel turn your giddy brains. It is true that they dress with exquisite taste, that their manners are those which Lord Chesterfield so highly commended, that they belong to the only railroad corporation in the world which even I can look upon with feelings akin to admiration. It is true also—this fact I cannot deny—that the equipment of the Alton Line is as near perfection as human ingenuity can make it. That their train service is perfect, their cars superb, their track as smooth as the skin on my face, and that they run the only through train worth taking between Chicago and Kansas City, and all points West. I can say this fearlessly. Their tracks are but steel, their cars merely wood and metal, and we have nothing to fear from wood and metal. But beware of their officials. Do not be deceived into thinking that because a man is godlike in appearance, he is anything but a man after all. With all their grace, their outward charms and pleasing manners, these creatures would win your hearts, and wear them too, with all the assurance with which one of us would knock the top off an egg for breakfast. This much being said, I beg you to follow me to partake in the usual exercises of the day.

(Exit Princess, followed by the ladies of the seminary. The sound of an engine whistle is heard. Then enter Hilarion, Cyril and Florian at back, creeping cautiously.)

TRIO.

Gently, gently,
Evidently
We are safe so far.
The Alton Train,
With sweet refrain,
Brought us, here we are!
Flying lightly,
Whizzing sprightly,
O’er the Alton Track.
We expect to
All invite you
When we journey back.

HILARION—Hush, scoffer! Despite the advantages of our remarkably excellent line, it is proper for you to remember that you can’t work off any tickets here in this college of learning. These ladies are going to do wonderful things, I am told. List to their intentions:

They intend to live alone
From us men; from us men.
Like the doggy with his bone,
Do you ken; do you ken?
Then they’re greedy with their graces,
Selfish girls; selfish girls.
And they hide their pretty faces
And their curls, and their curls.
They’ve a very queer intention
It is sung, it is sung:
To resist polite attention
From the young, from the young.
They’ve another funny notion,
They can do without devotion
From an Alton man—what notion—
If they can, if they can.
These are the Phenomena,
That every pretty Domina
Hopes that we shall see
At the Universitee.

CYRIL—

As for Railroads they are ready
To admit; to admit
That their employes are steady
And they sit, and they sit
A dreaming of the Alton men
At their best, at their best;
And waiting for the hour when
They pass West, they pass West.
But, each newly made aspirant
To the clan, to the clan,
Must repudiate the tyrant
Known as man, known as man.
The Alton Road Conductors
They regard as mere seductors,
And they’re going to do without them
If they can, if they can.
These are the Phenomena
That every pretty Domina
Hopes that we shall see
At this Universitee.

HILARION IN CLOVER.

I’M A PEPPERY SORT OF A KING.

FREE AS A TETHERED ASS.

OH! DON’T THE DAY SEEM BLANK AND LONG.

HILARION—And so here we are, in the breast of the citadel. Hallo! what’s this? (Examining some robes left by the female graduates.) Why! Academic robes, robes worn no doubt by some of the undergraduates. Here, you fellows! Put them on. (They do so, and the robes reach to their feet. They look as any well-regulated Alton man looks in anything—extremely fetching. They burst out laughing.)

TRIO.

Hilarion, Cyril, Florian.

HILARION—

I am a maiden coy and graceful,
Stately I, with a face divine,
But with my smiles I’m ever faithful,
True to the men of the Alton Line.

ALL—

Haughty, humble, coy and free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me.

FLORIAN—

I am a maiden sweet and lusty,
Dainty and pleasant am I to see,
Timid and shy, and oh! so trusty.
An Alton man is the man for me.

ALL—

Haughty, humble, coy and free,
Little care I what maid may be,
So that a maid is fair to see,
Every maid is the maid for me.

HILARION—But who comes here? The Princess, as I live.

CYRIL—What is to be done?

HILARION—Why, brave heart, my boy. Remember that you are an Alton man, and be brave. (Enter Princess.) He bows low. Madam, accept my humblest reverence.

PRINCESS—Ladies, you are welcome. What might be your pleasure with me?

HILARION—(bowing.) We are three well-born maidens, ma’am! daughters of those who run the Alton line, who wish to join the University.

PRINCESS—You say you are the daughters of those who run the Alton Line. Well! You’ll find no comfort here. Your bed will be that of the humblest. No downy mattress, soft pillows, or the rock of a Pullman Palace Car to send you to sleep. Your fare will be plain and simple, your beverage nature’s stream. No dining-car lunches at seventy-five cents a meal, which ought to cost $2.00. No delicacies out of season, or fine wines iced, as you get on that line. Your service must be done by yourselves. No obsequious porters will brush your boots or carry about your bundle. And so, if you think well of this, there are here one hundred maidens fair who are prepared to love and welcome you. Will you try to give the fullness of your love to them?

ALL—Indeed we will.

PRINCESS—Then you are welcome.

(Exit Princess. The men burst out laughing and do a bit of a breakdown. Lady Psyche enters back and looks at them with amazement.)

LADY P.—These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.

FLORIAN—It’s all up, Hilarion! Here is my sister.

HILARION—Then make a virtue of necessity, and take her in our confidence.

FLORIAN—(To Lady Psyche.) Psyche! why don’t you know me, your brother, Florian?

PSYCHE—(Amazed.) Florian. (They embrace.) What are you doing here? Oh, dear! You know it is death for any man to be found within these walls. How did you get here?

FLORIAN—By the ever reliable Chicago and Alton Railroad, of which I am a humble but devoted employe.

PSYCHE—Oh, dear! Then you are an Alton man (looking at him with admiration). I always thought you would be something great some day. But who are these?

HILARION—I am Prince Hilarion, of the Alton Line also. Your early playfellow, and the betrothed of your Princess.

PSYCHE—I might have known you were an Alton man. To imitate their bearing is impossible. Listen! and I will tell you the history of a man who once tried to rival a Chicago and Alton man:

[SONG.]

An Alton man of lineage high
Was aped by a rival in days gone by.
The man was radiant as the sun,
The rival was an unsightly one.
So it would not do,
His scheme fell through
To the world when his scheme took formal shape;
Expressed such terror
At his monstrous error
That he stammered his apology and made his ’scape,
The picture of a disconcerted ape.
With a view to rise in the Railway scales,
He washed his collar and cut his nails.
He bought a uniform and made it shine,
And swore that he belonged to the Alton Line.
But it would not do,
His scheme fell through,
For the Alton man was beauty’s king,
With graceful manners,
Like Lord John Manners,
While the rival lacked the metal ring,
And always remained a puny thing.
He bought white ties and he bought new boots,
And he dressed himself in bran-new suits;
Then he put C. & A. on all his things,
And he bought a pin and diamond rings.
But it would not do,
His scheme fell through,
For the Alton man whom the rival aped
Was a radiant being,
Well worth seeing,
While the rival King, however shaped,
At best was an Alton man ill-aped.

THERE WAS MY PORTER GRINNING.

AN ALTON DART.

IN BATTLE ARRAY.

THE FIGHT.

(They do another breakdown, during which enter Princess at back. She looks on in amazement.)

PSYCHE—(Looks at her terrified.) All is lost!

PRINCESS—What is this? It seems to me that female garb become you ladies ill. I don’t think I ever saw a gentlewoman do a breakdown before.

HILARION—We hope to become young ladies soon.

PRINCESS—But are not now?

HILARION—(Throws off his robe, and then throws himself at the feet of the Princess.) ’Tis useless to dissemble farther. We are merely men. I am Prince Hilarion, your betrothed, and these two are my friends.

PRINCESS—(Screaming.) Men! and Alton men at that! Ring the bell! Fire the alarm guns, and have the Army of Amazons take them to the most secret cells and annihilate them.

(Loud turmoil; enter all the girls running frightened. They catch sight of the three Alton men, and immediately fall prostrate at their feet and regard them with languishing eyes.)

PRINCESS—Summon my henchmen! (They come.) Seize and bind them. (They do it.) And now, adventurous men, much as I admire your shape and venerate the line you represent, you must die (with emotion). My principles must be observed. So take them off. (Loud noise heard outside; enter girls running with fright.)

MELISSA—Princess! There is an armed force at the gates of the castle, just arrived by the St. Louis express and headed by King Hilderbrandt. They demand admittance.

PRINCESS—Refuse it.

ALL—Too late.

(A loud crash is heard; enter King Hilderbrandt with his army of Chicago and Alton conductors, armed to the teeth. In the centre they drag Arac, Guron and Synthius, chained together.)

HILD.—(Coming down.)

Some years ago,
No doubt you know
(And if you don’t I’ll tell you so),
You gave your troth
Upon your oath
To Hilarion my son.
A vow you make
You must not break
(If you think you may, it’s a great mistake),
For a bride’s a bride,
Though the knot were tied
At the early age of one!
And I’m a peppery kind of king,
Who’s indisposed for parleying
To suit the wit of a bit of a chit,
And that’s the long and the short of it!

PRINCESS—(Irresolutely—the girls meanwhile look with loving eyes at the conductors.) I still refuse!

ITS RESULT.

HILARION I SURRENDER.

(Arac, Guron and Synthius come down.)

ARAC—

We may remark, though nothing can
Dismay us,
That if you thwart this gentleman
He’ll slay us.
We don’t fear death, of course, we’re thought
To shame it.
But still, upon the whole, we thought
We’d name it.

ALL—

Yes! yes! Better perhaps to
Name it.

GURON—

This gentleman controls a Line—
A stunner.
With splendid bed and track as fine—
A hummer.
We hate his line, but still we must
Propound it.
The Alton is a line to trust—
Confound it.

(TOGETHER.)

Yes! yes! In spite of that, confound it.

SYNTHIUS—

We wish its trade was light and slack—
It isn’t.
Its service bad, with moldy track—
It isn’t.
But give to Cæsar what is due,
Yes, rend it.
We really must, and strongly too,
Commend it.

(TOGETHER.)

Yes! yes! yes! Darn their eyes,
Commend it.

ALL—

The Alton is a road, as such
None beat it.
St. Louis is a point they touch,
Repeat it.
And if you doubt they’ll get you there
You’ll rue it,
For when they say they’ll get you there,
They’ll do it.

(TOGETHER.)

Yes! yes! yes! Devil doubt
They’ll do it.

PRINCESS—I still refuse!

PSYCHE—Madame! your father claims an audience; he has just followed King Hilderbrandt on the Denver Express.

PRINCESS—Admit him.

(Enter Gama.)

GAMA—Free as a tethered ass. I dare not keep this up. I dare not face the malignity of this devil, Hilderbrandt.

PRINCESS—He has treated you well, father. Even a wretched man, when he belongs to the Alton Line, is always a gentleman.

GAMA—Yes! yes! But he has made my life a curse. Think of it, I had nothing whatever to grumble at.

[SONG.]

The more I try
I can’t deny,
Altho’ I’m very spiteful,
I’m bound to say
The livelong day,
The Alton is delightful.
Now, when a man
Does all he can,
A rival line despising,
And in reply
They fete him—why
It’s hard, there’s no disguising.
Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long,
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong,
And isn’t your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at?
When in a car
Above the par,
Officials are quite pleasing.
And when a line
You hate is fine,
It’s surely very teasing.
They treat me well,
Ah! what a sell,
I thought they’d be ungracious.
But not a bit—
They strained their wit
To make my thoughts fallacious.
Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long,
When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, etc., etc.
The Alton whirls
The pretty girls
From eyes that are repining.
And takes the best
Of travel West
In cars with chairs reclining.
A dining-car
Without a jar,
And coaches really tasteful.
A splendid track
Both there and back,
Now isn’t that disgraceful?
Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long, etc., etc.
When off to bed
They gently led
Me to a couch bewitching,
I prayed they might,
At least, that night,
The holy train be ditching.
But fate was there,
We sped like air,
And nothing happened tragic,
And then I wept,
And then I slept,
And dreamt the line was magic.
Oh! don’t the day, etc., etc.
When morning came,
’Twas just the same,
There was my porter grinning;
I called him Sam,
And muttered Dam,
He really looked so winning;
I looked around,
And there I found
A car of pleasant faces;
It seemed their bent
To be content,
In spite of my grimaces.
Oh! don’t the day, etc., etc.

BOARDING THE ALTON TRAIN AFTER THE WEDDING.

AN IMPROMPTU WEDDING.

HILARION WELCOMES IDA TO THE ALTON LINE.

PRINCESS—Poor father! how you must have suffered.

GAMA—Yes, my child, and the only thing to do is to surrender. We must capitulate. I have often heard that opposition to the Alton line is futile, and now I know it.

(Enter Hilarion.)

PRINCESS—Hilarion, I surrender. My heart was with you long ago, but my principles forbade it. Take me.

HILDERBRANDT—Then we will have an impromptu wedding. Everybody who wants to marry everybody else can do so. (The remark is a signal for every girl in the party to throw her arms around the neck of the nearest conductor.)

GAMA—And take my advice, make your wedding trip over the Chicago and Alton Line.

ALL—We will.

GAMA—Hereafter, consider Castle Adamant yours. You may make it a coupon station, if you please, and advertise it as a pleasure resort.

(The organ is heard; a procession formed, and the entire party indulge in an impromptu wedding, after which the Chicago and Alton train for Chicago is boarded, and everybody starts upon a trip, which cannot but bring them happiness.)

Moral.

An official of the Alton Road is irresistible.

RETURN TO CHICAGO.

THE RECEPTION.

TWENTY YEARS LATER.

THE END

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